I’m climbing Mount Everest this year (and I’ve never owned an ice axe)

Right. I’ve done it. I’ve booked it. Later this year, I — Shameer Shah, UK hiking guide, man who once got mildly out of breath on Ivinghoe Beacon, will be standing on the summit of Mount Everest at 8,849 metres above sea level.

Crampons. Oxygen mask. The full works.

“The mountains are calling and I must go.” — John Muir. He was probably talking about the Chilterns, but close enough.

My preparation is going extremely well. I’ve been sleeping with my bedroom window open. I’ve attempted to acclimatise by holding my breath on the Northern line between Finchley Road and Swiss Cottage. Last Tuesday I wore my down jacket to Sainsbury’s. I am, by any reasonable measure, ready.

My Scarpa boots are polished. My Osprey pack is packed. I’ve downloaded a Sherpa phrasebook (two phrases so far). My emergency first aid qualification covers altitude sickness, I think — or at least I’ll be confidently bandaging things at 7,000 metres while pretending it does.

Want to join me?

I’m opening up spots for the Nature Kicks Everest Expedition. Requirements: a positive attitude, reasonable fitness, and absolutely no questions about my qualifications for this specific undertaking. We’ll do a warm-up hike in the Chilterns first — Tring to Wendover — just to make sure everyone’s legs work.

Happy April Fools’ Day — and Happy Easter, everyone. No Everest bookings were harmed in the making of this post. The UK Hiking & Trekking trips, however, are very much real.

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